Tuesday, April 08, 2008

This post was written a year ago and saved as draft. While some of it is out of date the point stands, and to be honest with myself not that much has really changed:

If there is one secret, one secret at all to personal change, to becoming a better person, to becoming a healthier person, to living more 'fully' in the world, if there was one diet secret, money making secret, exercise secret...

It isn't visualizing success, it isn't eating more or less of some macronutrient or quitting your job and starting over again. That secret would be that you can't do it until you really truly start, until your mind is fully in it, and that no one, no matter what they say knows exactly what your trigger for change will be.

I can think I'm there over and over again, starting and restarting changes - and in a way that can be the second secret to success: persistence (or hard-headedness)- but when I really truly hit that trigger, that is when I change my world and those triggers are different each time. I've never been able to force one to appear but when they do, well best to grab on and ride it for all its might and make it last long enough to make the change a habit.

Right now I desperately need that drive, that trigger. I'm coming to a point where my difficulty making change has been really affecting my mood. Its not that I lack for good ideas or for reasons, its that I've lacked a trigger something to take everything from contemplation to action, from stuttering starts to a blast.

Still I can not let this go on: With my body particularly I am unhappy, with the way I am eating and the lack of exercise. I have been refusing to buy new clothes because I don't want to waste money and because when I lost weight a couple years ago I swore I would not let this slide upwards happen, that I would never again buy that size of clothes (also I seem to have found myself at an odd size, my smaller 8s and below unwearable, my 8s and 10s unattractively tight and uncomfortable and the 12s amazingly baggy - I forgot that over size 10 the differences between each size is bigger). This feeling of unattractiveness is making me less willing to go out. It is actually affecting my life and sure, that may be vanity, but its also honest.

And restarting again

I am going to restart this, perhaps it will help. Sadly little has changed since I first wrote a post for myself here. I am still holding onto that extra 20some pounds, I am doing a little better financially and a little worse as far as my environmental, political and social consciousness. I do now live in an apartment I like.

Looking at this blog the last post I wrote, but saved into draft is just the right post to restart with, so I'll post that now and get back to goals and motivations later.